You
by TheSkyBunny
Summary: AU - Voldemort dies in the ministry, no horcruxes. I'm sorry I couldn't have been what you needed. Major Character Death, Suicide, Depression, Letter!Fic, Harmony, HG/GW, Drug Abuse. Rated to be safe.
1. I Miss You

AN: Hello, and welcome to my story. This is not my first fanfic, but it is the first time I've published in years so forgive me if I'm a little rusty. I wrote this in three hours in the middle of the night so if there's missing logic, please review and I hope I'll be able to clear it up for you. Enjoy. :]

This chapter I wrote with I Miss You by Blink-182 in my head, and the whole fic I wrote while playing You by The Pretty Reckless on endless loop. Chapter titles come from the song I feel meshed the best. They may not be absolutely perfect.

I do not own and of the songs referenced nor any part of the Harry Potter franchise.

Harry,

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. Oh god I cant say that enough. I'm so sorry, Harry. I didn't mean- I didn't want- I didn't know, I didn't KNOW! I… I didn't mean to ignore you. I didn't, I promise. But Dumbledore said it was for the best and I listened… I shouldn't have listened. I should have written. I should have listened to you! That's what best friends do, right? Oh god I'm sorry. I… I'm sorry Harry. I just… I'm sorry. I have to go.

Love,

Hermione


	2. Star Witness

AN: This chapter is set to Star Witness by Neko Case in my playlist.

Harry,

They say you first feel shock. And then denial. But I don't know if that's right. Can you believe it? The great Hermione Granger, bookworm extraordinaire, _doesn't believe her books?_

But I don't.

They say I should feel something.

_But I don't._

I don't think shock is supposed to last this long. It's been two weeks.

_Two._

Can you believe it? I can't. It's like I've been removed. Like I'm not a part of this anymore, either. I feel like I'm watching something from a long way away. And though I can hear it, it's muted. And I can understand, but it doesn't resonate. Like it's a dream…

But this is no dream. I wish it were.

I miss you, Harry. _I miss you._

My Love Always,

Hermione


	3. Missing

AN: This one I set to Missing, by Evanescence.

Harry,

Ron's been taking this better, I think. Sometimes he's real quiet, with a haunted look in his eyes… And then he's angry, screaming and yelling about everything… But at least he feels _something_. I'm still empty. I feel hollow and cracked, like something inside me is gone, something I never knew was there until it wasn't. Were you…

Were you empty? Was this what you felt? Were you a stranger in your own body? I think I get it…

I miss you, though. That, I can always feel. I'm sorry, Harry, that I didn't get it before.

Maybe I still don't now.

Love,

Hermione


	4. You Found Me

AN: You Found Me, by The Fray

Harry,

No. I was wrong. I don't get it. I don't _FUCKING_ get it! What the HELL, Harry! Why? Why! Why would you do this to me! Why would you leave like this _just go away_ and, I don't get it. Was there not a better way? Another option? A _different_ way! Why didn't you say something or get help or _call me_ cause I live in the Muggle world too _and I have a phone and I can use it_ and you could too why didn't you just _CALL_ me you could have CALLED-

Oh my god. You couldn't, could you? The Dursley's wouldn't have…

I'm so sorry, Fuck, I'm so sorry I didn't mean to yell. I didn't mean to get mad at you, I just… Was there anything I could have done? Anything? I don't know. And I wont ever know, will I?

I'm sorry, Harry. I'm sorry I couldn't have been what you needed. I loved you, though. _I always loved you._

Love Always,

Hermione


	5. I'll Follow You Into The Dark

AN: The song is I'll Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie.

Harry,

I'm not empty anymore, at least. Everything's coming out at once, now. It's like a dam broke and I still don't know what I'm feeling cause it's too much. There's too much ate once.

Sometimes I see something and I just think 'Oh Harry will love that' and then I wanna cry cause I can't tell about it, now can I?

Cause you're gone. You're gone and you're _gone_ and you're _not. Coming. Back_. And that's too much, too.

I can't even look at Ron anymore. There's just too much you, too many memories, and I _can't_, Harry. I can't take them. And I feel horrible because I know it's hurting him but I just _can't._

School starts in about a week. I didn't even remember. Molly said something about is and I just shut down. What am I going to do without you there? You were my best friend. My first friend. You still are. But I don't think I can be happy at Hogwarts, anymore. I don't think you'd recognize me, Harry. I'm sorry for that, too.

Love,

Hermione


	6. Drops of Jupiter

AN: This chapter I give to the ever beautiful Drops of Jupiter, by Train.

Harry,

I don't think anyone would recognize me, to be honest. I haven't cut my hair, or change my eyes or anything… But things are so different now. I open a book and all I can see is your face. I don't learn anything from their pages. Every word forms a new question.

Are you okay?

Are you better, now?

Does it hurt?

_Did_ it hurt?

Did life hurt more?

God, there's so many questions I want to ask you.

I replaced my whole wardrobe, you know. Black, so I can mourn properly. And some green things, a pretty emerald. The closest I could find to your eyes. And some silver, too. Slytherin colors, I know. Cold and desolate.

But I _am_ cold and desolate, aren't I? At least, I am now.

You really wouldn't recognize me. Or, maybe you would. I have a feeling you would.

Molly had a fit when she found out. Went and got about ready to start a whole rant and I told her to piss off. Asked her how it was any of her business. Why she thought she had a say in my life when it doesn't concern her. She was shocked. I wish I could say I was, too.

But I wasn't. I feel like this has been coming for a long while, now.

I miss you.

Love,

Hermione


	7. Dust in the Wind

AN: Dust in the Wind, by Kansas.

Harry,

Everything here reminds me of you. The windows, the halls, that statue of that witch on the third floor. I went into your old room today. Told Ginny that I left a book and went back during breakfast. There was no one else in the tower, and I went straight up.

Your bed's gone. Your trunk doesn't sit where it used to either, but I guess you could have guessed that.

But no one's taken over the space.

There's just blank spot in front of the window.

Where you used to be.

And I just sat there and cried. All morning.

Like I'm crying now.

And then I went and stole back my timeturner from Dumbledore's office. He still _fucking _had it. I guess he didn't keep his word about a lot of thongs, did he? Like keeping you safe.

I miss you, Harry. And I love you. I've loved you the whole time we were friends. I always wanted to be there for you, Harry, the way you there for me. I'm sorry I wasn't. I wanted to save you the way you saved me, Harry.

_I'm sorry I couldn't._

_But I still love you._

Missing you,

Love,

Hermione


	8. Big White Room

AN: For musical selection I have chosen Big White Room, by Jessie J.

Harry,

I almost broke down in class, today. I barely made it out. We were doing a review, in Charms, and I was fine. But then we got to banishing charms. And we were supposed to use pillows, and I… I just crashed.

I feel so hollow without you. I miss you so much. I didn't know a person could feel so much sadness at once. For so long…

Was this it? Did you feel this? With Sirius? Or your parents? Or Cedric?

Oh god, Cedric…

I forgot about him, Harry.

How could I do that?

What has happened to me, Harry?

I don't recognize myself. Maybe you would.

I go to the Room of Requirement a lot. Just lay in an empty room and try to feel… something._ Anything_. If there's a god. Or Goddess. Fate, destiny, a meaning…

I try and feel you all the time. Do you feel me? Do you feel anything? Is it peaceful?

I wish I could know.

I love you,

Hermione


	9. Paperthin Hymn

AN: Paperthin Hymn, by Anberlin. However, I know I was thinking about Imagine by John Lennon when I wrote this, but it's not part of the playlist.

Harry,

I love you. It's such a strange thing to say. To write. To hear. Three words that have probably shaped human history in more ways than anyone could possibly imagine. I love you, though.

When you save me from that troll, you were my everything. My knight in shinning armor, and then my rock. You didn't ignore me, you listened, and you made me feel _special_. Like I could always come to you. And I could. Maybe you didn't know any more than me, probably less, but you were _there_. When Ron belittled me, you defended. When Malfoy insulted, you protected. When Victor left for Bulgaria, you stayed. You always stayed.

Until you didn't.

I'm realizing I know less and less about the world. No amount of facts or studying can make up for feelings and experiences. But I know I loved you.

I still love you.

I can't imagine what life would have been like without you. I can't imagine life without you now, even thought I'm living it. I just can't imagine…

Maybe that was always my issue.

Love,

Hermione


	10. Brain DamageEclipse

AN: And now for the tribute to Pink Floyd: Brain Damage/Eclipse. And yes, they count a one song.

Harry,

I slept with Ginny. She found me in the Room of Requirement and held me and… She made things better, for a while. For a little bit.

She loved you, too, you know. You were her dream come true. You were my dream, as well. You saved her as you saved me. We loved you so… I like to think that you loved us, too, but I can't ask you, now can I? I wish I could. Maybe one day…

Ginny is healing, I think. She hangs around Luna a lot. Luna says you're okay. I hope you are. Sometimes I hang around them, too. But I feel like I'm intruding again.

Ron talks to Seamus a lot. He's healing, too.

Cho tries to talk to me, but it's not working out as she planned, I think. We don't' really connect.

But I don't think I'm healing. I don't think I can.

I tried to talk to Madam Pomfrey, but she just said grieving takes time for some people. But I don't thin that's it.

I miss you so much.

Love,

Hermione


	11. Hello

AN: Hello, by Evanescence.

Harry,

I don't know why I write to you like this. I miss you so, and I wish I could see you again, and talk to you, and hear you voice…It was supposed to be therapeutic. Writing was supposed to relieve tension, to release emotions safely. But I just remember. I can't forget you, Harry. I don't want to.

It hurts to know that I'll never see you again, but I can't let you go. I need you, Harry, so badly… I feel like I'm drowning, There's so much sadness, and grief.

I don't think this will ever go away.

I don't think I'll get better.

I don't think I'm going to heal.

Love,

Hermione


	12. Breath No More

AN: Another from Evanescence, this one is Breath No More.

Harry,

This was it, wasn't it?

This never ending sadness, this emptiness, this cracking inside that you can't see but you can feel…

…And it hurts. It hurts so bad.

And I think I get it. This time, I really think I get it.

I understand now, Harry.

And if I'm right and this is anything close then I love you all the more for how long you held on.

Love,

Hermione


	13. Into the Ocean

AN: This goes out the wonderful song Into the Ocean, by Blue October.

Harry,

I've hooked up with Ginny a few more times. But she's blocking out less and less each time. Or maybe I'm just feeling more and more. So I broke into Snape's storage room again.

Remember when we used to do that?

But I had to feel something, _anything_ else, so I took some Belladonna. The Muggles say that Belladonna has roots strait to Hell. That demons hunt you down when you use it.

It causes severe hallucinations, though, I know that. Beacause I took some.

Ginny would be so mad if she found out. Are you? My mum would just be sad… She wouldn't recognize me.

But I had to feel something, Harry, even if it was fear, terror, as long as I wasn't _sad…_

Maybe you understand? I think you would, Harry. I think you do.

Love Always,

Hermione


	14. Roses for the Dead

AN: Now for Roses for the Dead, by Funeral for a Friend.

Harry,

I woke and everything was different. _There's no you._

Classes don't interest me anymore. _You're not there._

I don't really want to do anything with my life. _You can't do anything, either, can you?_

Malfoy doesn't pick fights anymore. _You're not there._

I can't even imagine talking to Ron anymore. _You're gone._

I don't have anything to look forward to. _You're gone, Harry._

_You're gone. I wish I were gone, too_.

Love Forever,

Hermione


	15. Like You

AN: Here's the final chapter. One more from Evanescence: Like You. I took a little liberty with when InuYasha came out, but I don't own that either.

Harry,

It's Halloween, Harry. Everything comes back to today, doesn't it? Always today.

I miss you. I want to see you.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you I loved you as much as I should have. But I'm telling you now. I love you. So much.

Everyone is at the feast tonight. I'm at the top of the astronomy tower. I don't think anyone will miss me. Seem familiar? But I've been skipping meals so often…

I'm looking at the stars, now. They're so cold, so far away, so distant…

Are you?

I can't help but think about a story I read, where this girl was saying farewell to her sister.

And I want to say it to you:

Are you free, now? Did you become the wind?

I'd like to become the wind with you.

I can't take it anymore, I love you too much.

I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger for you.

I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger for me.

But I'm coming for you. Wait for me.

Love,

Hermione.


End file.
